raison d’être



the flame that had lightened the last leg of my teen years fluttered a little when i wrapped up a task recently. while it’s rest-assuring to know that it is still there i was bewildered by how deep i now have to look inside to find it. it wasn’t due to growing up i’m pretty sure – am i slowly dissolving?



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and we’ll rise over love and over hate



“to those who can hear me, i say, do not despair. the misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress.

“the hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. and so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

“don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men! machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! you are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men!

“you, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

“let us use that power. let us all unite!”

-the great dictator

















… to breath only air where life should be




i was reminded again that her wardrobe had more colors than mine as i sorted and packed nearly all of her clothes, most of them had not seen the sun for more than two year, into cardboard boxes. i felt nothing but thought that death is overwhelming and that i should continue to keep a small wardrobe and ensure that il mari knew exactly how i organize the house – oh, such a doomsday prepper. death, also came with a strong bitter aftertaste. i had always thought that she would live a long life, maybe longer than my own but, no, it was considerably brief. things went down hill pretty fast. you could tell that reaching the end she was tired, she was exhausted. then, regrets crept in, rubbing salt in the wound. you should have… you should have not… you should have… you should have not… obviously all too late, she’s no longer here although i so very much wanted to believe that she, in any way, is.



a homeseeker’s tirade



this is where prices of home located near centers of activities are exorbitant while cars are relatively cheap and public transport is inadequate — in quality and quantity, pushing most of the people to the margin and further clogging the streets. there is actually no shortage of supply as each day i pass more than 10 home ads but i can only laugh and sigh as none of them is within budget.

see, i’m no stranger to long commute. i traveled a total of 50 km a day to go to school since i was 11 y-o and this is why exactly i know the disadvantages of living far, far away: the exhaustion and anxiety of what may happen on the trip from-to home. maybe to validate it i should provide a more adult concern: we may see significant productivity losses from long commute.

the increase in pay in this megapolis in the meantime is only half the increase in property price, said the authority who also projected that the gap will further widen. that means that although you’ve already become a slave to the money it is unlikely that you will have enough to be able to purchase a home without additional source of income or help of others.

oh there are cheap ones but surely not at any prime address and the quality? mmm.. but hey, then you will have time to meditate (as if!) while you dive into the ocean of vehicles driven by short-fused mob for sixty, ninety minutes in the morning and another sixty, ninety minutes in the evening. how marvelous!



arus balik



seperti video stop-motion huruf-huruf bergerak sendiri menjadi kata di dalam kepalaku. kali ini: memilih dilarung kemacetan, bukannya mengarungi kemacetan. kamu ingat lelucon dari masa-masa festival dago? kamu tinggal berdiri di salah satu ujung jalan lalu membiarkan arus dan kerapatan ribuan manusia membawamu hingga ke ujung jalan yang satu lagi. dans le sillage, dans le sillage lalu apa kelanjutannya? dilarung… sungguh pilihan frasa yang sophisticated! seharusnya ini bisa mengangkat derajat seseorang di dunia kesusastraan, setidaknya layak terbit di kompas minggu, atau tiket terusan gratis untuk seluruh pertunjukan di salihara sepanjang tahun, ahaha. tapi entahlah aku hanya pusing menahan mual akibat disembur asap dan terjebak hampir dua jam dalam kotak kaleng oranye beroda yang, kelihatannya, sudah lama lewat masa operasinya. papan pelapis dalam sudah lepas, bola lampu pijar dipasang asal terang, tirai di jendela depan sudah pudar, dan stiker b u n d a di panel setir mulai mengelupas. rasanya aku ingin berdiri dan bertepuk tangan lambat-lambat sebagai tanda kekaguman bagi semua orang yang melewati seluruh kekacauan ini setidaknya dua kali setiap hari. what people’d do to make ends meet never ceases to amaze me tapi, kamu bekerja untuk apa? kamu menulis untuk siapa?