awal yang baru is a new beginning

saya tidak ingat dengan pasti kapan terakhir saya menulis dalam bahasa indonesia.

mungkin november atau desember 2010, beberapa minggu sebelum atasan di tempat saya bekerja saat itu mengumumkan bahwa kantor kami akan tutup karena sejumlah alasan, meski saya ingat pernah menulis pengantar pribadi untuk sebuah pameran dan satu artikel lepas mengenai aktivitas liburan di jakarta, beberapa bulan setelahnya.

(baru dua paragraf dan saya sudah berpikir untuk melanjutkan dalam bahasa inggris)

rasanya, ini yang terjadi (waspada apologi): saya sudah terlalu terbiasa menjadi penyunting dan lupa bahwa menulis (atau menggambar, hahaha *keluh*) bukanlah kemampuan yang bisa dipanggil begitu saja saat perlu atau kepengin.

saya bisa saja dengan sombongnya mengkritik (sambil berharap bisa kaya dari bayaran saat menemukan kesalahan penulisan) berita, teks foto, status di media sosial, artikel blog, dan lain-lain, namun, saya ragu jika sekarang saya bisa menulis satu saja artikel panjang yang padu dan menarik dari nol.

rasa bangga ketika saya dianggap sebagai salah satu penulis karangan khas yang baik saat kuliah atau awal bekerja, hampir 10 tahun lalu, kini tinggal kenangan. mungkin rasanya seperti tokoh-tokoh di novel arus balik merayakan kejayaan majapahit di kawasan asia tenggara yang telah jauh berlalu.

banyak sekali kata dalam bahasa indonesia yang kini tidak saya pahami. banyak sekali aturan dasar penulisan dalam bahasa indonesia yang saya lupa.

solusinya sudah pasti: memulai lagi lalu latihan. latihan. latihan, karena sesungguhnya saya amat suka menulis apa saja dalam bahasa indonesia. satu cita-cita mulia (tapi biasanya, realisasi paria). there, i doubt myself again.

there are too many candles in your cake

we were watching a movie in which the main character is on a drinking binge when he said, it’s been too long since we last drank. i replied that we are no longer in a crowd that does some crazy stupid nights out anymore, which he agreed to and then added that he now just wants to get home soon after office. was it the first sign that we are being sucked further into life, i don’t know. possibly, maybe.

… it’s been too long since i last dreamt. during a chat i remember that when i was still studying years ago i just wanted to attend a convenience shop while working part time as translator at that city. i remember the simple pleasure i get just by walking down the grocery and snack shelves although, yes, that was from the consumer’s point of view.

i remember the people spent their weekends at the park near that particular store, the music i was listening, the spirit, the crimethinc. haha, the bottles of five-percents or the cups of hot milo. the free concerts and the efforts to watch that band.

last night i ran into my old life,” and i wonder where/who/what am i now, more than a decade after?

oh, the grim tone. i quite like the confidence that i am having now, thanks to the daily pressure forces me to ensure that my brain must not stop working. but, i just need to question myself once in a while, i guess.

the pressing needs -or lack thereof

six new plants were commissioned last year, bringing an additional 14 million tons capacity that if combined with previously existing factories create over 40 million tons glut above national demand. at the same time everyone including a former environment ministry is talking about ecological degradation on the main island –initially and naturally the country’s main food/agriculture production center– that has reached critical point, calling for an end to the expansion of such dirty industry along with ammonia- and sodium bicarbonate-based industries. priorities, ladies and germs.

about a boy

once in a while let me brag about le garçon – the seventeen-month-old boy who loves to dance especially to dangdut and with acting skills that would have shamed indonesia’s best soap opera actors. he is now a very expressive, social person. i don’t know if he’ll still be that outgoing when he grows older. sometimes he displays more thoughtful and introvert tendencies but it must be his gemini traits. he knows some good habits and manners such as throwing rubbish at the bin, putting back things to where they belong and shake elders’ hands. but he has short patience. now is now, not even three seconds later. oh, it is amazing that this whole parenting thing is about watching a person becoming (and pooping, and being constantly worried).

twenty feels like eighty

twenty facts about me, as tagged by @dindiepop and, i think, also @bouncyunicorn a while ago:

1. i don’t like to capitalize letter in my personal whinting (whine writing).

2. i loveee storage management and this probably an extension of my obsession to declutter and compartmentalize things (but hopefully not to fellow human being), e.g. books by authors, clothes by type, pattern and color.

3. i am curious about skincare and makeup but had never succeeded in forcing myself to commit to regular use – particularly after a son. in larger picture, i’ve always had problem realizing a commitment that will require me setting up a routine to develop a certain skill; drawing is a good example.

4. yes, a mother now. to a super-active boy and a child-like husband. we’ll be forever young.

5. to keep up with the news and trend and such, i subscribed to many newsletters from various news outlets, consultancy firms, bookstores, online shops, job-listing companies, music websites, etc. i was excited at the beginning but now i mostly deleted the emails after just reading the subjects. i know it would be better if i’d just unsubscribe but i feel like i might need the references provided in those newsletter someday. i might need to sign up to e-mail hoarder anonymous.

6. that said, i don’t keep up with any pop culture trend any more. in fact, my music, book and movie references in recent years have been stagnated and even moving backward. i’m very off-tracked, i don’t know who’s who now.

7. a natural born lazy person who always on the hunt for the luxury of being lazy. the baby is crying? lay him down – shove boobs – mama sleeps.

8. on the other hand, laziness forces me to work more efficiently under a certain quality level (so i could get more free time).

9. i grew up surrounded with books and always thought that books are precious god-given miracles (ha-ha) because i only get mine after scoring good school grades, so, i don’t understand people who don’t read. expand this to people who are not curious enough to find details by looking up for references in this internet of things era (ahem). apart from work, i’ll be satisfied even with wikipedia. humor me.

10. i also don’t understand smartphone users who (1) only subscribe to the so-called social media internet package – hmm, i do understand that each person is unique and has different needs but still…; (2) whose phones displayed notification of hundreds unread e-mail.

11. i care about what people are saying to me. as possibly every other new mom in the world, i have better understanding that words can hurt after giving birth. while my pregnancy has been relatively easy, the first months of being a parent were not and some people have exacerbated this by offering unwanted advice. that period taught me that no one really know what’s going on with other people’s live and condition. in this regard, i learn to implement these wise words from spongebob squarepants, who some said to apparently paraphrase nietzsche: let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing.

12. i want to be smart and smarter and smarter, but you know that there’s always another sky above the highest sky. this is a perpetual challenge. maybe i could just settle by acquiring the correct accessories.

13. always experience internal conflict when i saw people alighting from a public minivan at a random stop which then caused a traffic jam. here you people asked for better traffic, less congestion but maintained that behavior? but then i realized i most time when i was using public transportation did that too so i kept my mouth shut.

14. i google myself and quite pleased with the results. yes, i’m vain like that. je me lance, vers la gloire.

15. i love online personality and trivial quizzes such as, who is your celebrity husband (jarvis cocker), what is my fantasy character, etc. they are a waste of time sometimes but time you enjoy wasting is not wasted, right?

16. i tend to look at the best in people. i’m trying too as my current occupation provides a glimpse to the opposite side of life. you cannot help being paranoid when reading reports about crime, crime and crime everywhere with any kind of possible causes and schemes. in my day to day life, this means i could easily forgive those who are mean. am i nice or what?

17. always think of what have i done wrong when checking my spam folders and seeing the viagra or casual sex offers. i rarely get fraudulent e-mails.

18. with the exception of eating seafood, i don’t know what i’m supposed to do to spend more than two hours at beaches. i don’t really like to be exposed to the sun so strolling (without parasol because i’d look funny holding one at any given beach) and swimming are naturally off the options.

19. my mom’s wardrobe has more colors than mine.

20. still a judgmental person.