the pressing needs -or lack thereof

six new plants were commissioned last year, bringing an additional 14 million tons capacity that if combined with previously existing factories create over 40 million tons glut above national demand. at the same time everyone including a former environment ministry is talking about ecological degradation on the main island –initially and naturally the country’s main food/agriculture production center– that has reached critical point, calling for an end to the expansion of such dirty industry along with ammonia- and sodium bicarbonate-based industries. priorities, ladies and germs.

about a boy

once in a while let me brag about le garçon – the seventeen-month-old boy who loves to dance especially to dangdut and with acting skills that would have shamed indonesia’s best soap opera actors. he is now a very expressive, social person. i don’t know if he’ll still be that outgoing when he grows older. sometimes he displays more thoughtful and introvert tendencies but it must be his gemini traits. he knows some good habits and manners such as throwing rubbish at the bin, putting back things to where they belong and shake elders’ hands. but he has short patience. now is now, not even three seconds later. oh, it is amazing that this whole parenting thing is about watching a person becoming (and pooping, and being constantly worried).

twenty feels like eighty

twenty facts about me, as tagged by @dindiepop and, i think, also @bouncyunicorn a while ago:

1. i don’t like to capitalize letter in my personal whinting (whine writing).

2. i loveee storage management and this probably an extension of my obsession to declutter and compartmentalize things (but hopefully not to fellow human being), e.g. books by authors, clothes by type, pattern and color.

3. i am curious about skincare and makeup but had never succeeded in forcing myself to commit to regular use – particularly after a son. in larger picture, i’ve always had problem realizing a commitment that will require me setting up a routine to develop a certain skill; drawing is a good example.

4. yes, a mother now. to a super-active boy and a child-like husband. we’ll be forever young.

5. to keep up with the news and trend and such, i subscribed to many newsletters from various news outlets, consultancy firms, bookstores, online shops, job-listing companies, music websites, etc. i was excited at the beginning but now i mostly deleted the emails after just reading the subjects. i know it would be better if i’d just unsubscribe but i feel like i might need the references provided in those newsletter someday. i might need to sign up to e-mail hoarder anonymous.

6. that said, i don’t keep up with any pop culture trend any more. in fact, my music, book and movie references in recent years have been stagnated and even moving backward. i’m very off-tracked, i don’t know who’s who now.

7. a natural born lazy person who always on the hunt for the luxury of being lazy. the baby is crying? lay him down – shove boobs – mama sleeps.

8. on the other hand, laziness forces me to work more efficiently under a certain quality level (so i could get more free time).

9. i grew up surrounded with books and always thought that books are precious god-given miracles (ha-ha) because i only get mine after scoring good school grades, so, i don’t understand people who don’t read. expand this to people who are not curious enough to find details by looking up for references in this internet of things era (ahem). apart from work, i’ll be satisfied even with wikipedia. humor me.

10. i also don’t understand smartphone users who (1) only subscribe to the so-called social media internet package – hmm, i do understand that each person is unique and has different needs but still…; (2) whose phones displayed notification of hundreds unread e-mail.

11. i care about what people are saying to me. as possibly every other new mom in the world, i have better understanding that words can hurt after giving birth. while my pregnancy has been relatively easy, the first months of being a parent were not and some people have exacerbated this by offering unwanted advice. that period taught me that no one really know what’s going on with other people’s live and condition. in this regard, i learn to implement these wise words from spongebob squarepants, who some said to apparently paraphrase nietzsche: let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing.

12. i want to be smart and smarter and smarter, but you know that there’s always another sky above the highest sky. this is a perpetual challenge. maybe i could just settle by acquiring the correct accessories.

13. always experience internal conflict when i saw people alighting from a public minivan at a random stop which then caused a traffic jam. here you people asked for better traffic, less congestion but maintained that behavior? but then i realized i most time when i was using public transportation did that too so i kept my mouth shut.

14. i google myself and quite pleased with the results. yes, i’m vain like that. je me lance, vers la gloire.

15. i love online personality and trivial quizzes such as, who is your celebrity husband (jarvis cocker), what is my fantasy character, etc. they are a waste of time sometimes but time you enjoy wasting is not wasted, right?

16. i tend to look at the best in people. i’m trying too as my current occupation provides a glimpse to the opposite side of life. you cannot help being paranoid when reading reports about crime, crime and crime everywhere with any kind of possible causes and schemes. in my day to day life, this means i could easily forgive those who are mean. am i nice or what?

17. always think of what have i done wrong when checking my spam folders and seeing the viagra or casual sex offers. i rarely get fraudulent e-mails.

18. with the exception of eating seafood, i don’t know what i’m supposed to do to spend more than two hours at beaches. i don’t really like to be exposed to the sun so strolling (without parasol because i’d look funny holding one at any given beach) and swimming are naturally off the options.

19. my mom’s wardrobe has more colors than mine.

20. still a judgmental person.

selva oscura

“is deadline still your god?”
a question a nostalgic me asked to myself (because some said a journalist will always be a journalist). but, instead of a terrible wist for those chaotic professional heyday, what i had in mind was those training years fulfilled with coming-of-age dreams. random thoughts of friends shaping up their skills. and of course those media monitoring and analysis assignments – of which one ended with an embarassingly loud alhamdulillah.

what i truly miss is, probably, being surrounded by motivated people. when nearly everyone seemed to know what they want and were inspired to delve into, explore, exploit their interests. when everyone acknowledged each others’ strength and ability, and worked around that recognition as a high-spirited bunch refused to be just “ordinary,” ha. obviously other elements in this longing are the abundant free time to read/binge-watching/draw and youth itself.

i’m still familiar with deadlines, more of them each day. but as i now have developed daily routines, there’s an internal alarm bell ringing warning me of the danger of complacency. i fear as i age and being so used with routines and dormant crowd, i would surrender the hunger and miss all the fun, all the joy in discovering new things and in seeing positive receptions to the ideas in my writings. i fear i would replace dante, living the first canto in divine tragedy.

but, maybe life is not that dull; i am, people are*. maybe the questions are, one, how to bring color; red, gold and green or the blue of the towering sky. and two, how to know that people want more colorful days. three, when to stop coloring – how persistent is persistence?

*a preventive step if somehow my editor find this account and throw a request to produce a 200-page paper on my face, hahah -kabur pelan-pelan merayap di tembok*

yadda yadda yadda

oh, hello, you.
to declutter a cuckoo’s nest that is my mind and to resuscitate this long dormant pensieve here i would enlist two things occurred to me on my ride home after hours:


i still haven’t figured out on how i would like him to call me. everyone assumed that it would be ‘mama’ and i during the first months was thinking of ‘momotaro.’ however i recently insisted to teach him saying ‘ibu’ then this evening i mulled over anime-ish ‘oka-san’ or the snob ‘maman’ stolen from le francais. and though i arrived home still being undecided, i was nevertheless amazed of the different air and sense that all those words emanate.


what would my favourite flower be? i would say gladiola, and lily, from the best lawn in our housing complex that my grandmother maintained. she had those flowers and what a younger me thought every kind of flowers existed. i might have sound exaggerating but she did have a wide variety of flowers in her garden which includes the two favourites, as wel as the usual rose and jasmine, several orchid species, wijaya kusuma – the queen of the night and cananga. then of course there was the decorative manmade hill at the corner that yours truly often used as a stage to practice poetry reading for school’s indonesian language class. like a fool on a hill. this is embarassing *disappear*